One Year Since My Divorce: October 2 Reflections
October 2. My first "Divorce Anniversary." A day I never imagined would exist in my life, yet here I am. This date carries so much weight, not because I want to celebrate it, but because it marks a full year of heartbreak, survival, and slowly learning how to breathe again.
I remain heartbroken. The betrayal still shocks me, my husband who once promised he’d never leave because of all I had done for him, only to claim later he never loved me, that he hated me. And then there was the married woman who, when exposed, couldn’t even face me or look me in the eyes. It became clear my ex-husband didn’t want love; he wanted an accomplice, an emotional match for his brokenness.
This year has taken its toll on both my physical and emotional well-being. I still struggle with poor appetite and oversleeping. My depression sometimes grows so heavy that even the gym, once my sanctuary, feels impossible to visit. But with my therapist’s guidance and medication, I’m having more good days than bad. My home is gradually becoming my home, no longer just a space haunted by a broken marriage.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never get the answers I once desperately sought to why I was used, discarded so quickly, and treated so horribly after giving nearly a decade of love and loyalty. This silence has become its own form of closure.
The past year has been filled with loneliness. Birthdays, holidays, and milestones like turning 30 all felt different, weighted by absence. I grieve for the future that vanished, the family we had planned to start, and the moments that will never happen. Wiggles, the dog we raised together for seven years, will never again happily greet him. That chapter has closed, and the grief still aches.
Yet amid this pain, I’ve glimpsed moments of grace. Therapy has helped me face myself honestly. Medication has lifted me enough to see a glimmer of light in the darkness. Friends, family, and my sweet boys, Alec & Wiggles, have brought laughter and comfort when I couldn't find it myself. Even reconnecting with my passions, writing, modeling, traveling, and exploring my Korean roots has restored the joy I thought was lost.
If year one was about survival, I hope year two will be about rebuilding. I want to transform my house into a true home. I want to find joy in small pleasures again. I want to believe that love, real, faithful, honest love, remains possible.
To anyone else experiencing divorce or betrayal: you are not alone. Healing isn’t linear. Some days will still knock the wind out of you. But there will also be days of laughter, moments when you feel stronger than you thought possible, times that remind you you’re still here. Hold onto those.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
